Thursday, March 10, 2016

Order in the Court...more or less

"Waah! Everyone will see me naked. I'm so embarrassed.  I'll never be able to go out in public again. I'll never have any friends. I'll never be in love or be able to  have sex again. I'll never be able to brush my teeth again. Waah!"
"Mr. Forman, have you reached a decision?"
"We have, your honor. We award 55 million dollars to the plaintif for all her suffering. Poor thing."
"Hmm, anybody see my toothbrush?"

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

How Americans Learn Science

        "Carbon dioxide in the atmosphere hasn't been this high for over 800,000 years. Now do you see why we have to stop burning fossil fuels and go to renewables?"
        "It hasn't been this high for over 800,000 years? Wow! That's a pretty long time."
        "You bet it is."
        "And that's all because of burning fossil fuels?"
        "So, carbon dioxide in the atmosphere was this high 800,000 years ago and it's happening again now?"
        "How many times are you going to ask me the same question?"
        "But there's only one thing I don't understand."
        "What's that?"
        "Well, if the carbon dioxide was this high 800,000 years ago and it's this high now, how do you know it's because of burning fossil fuels? I mean, 800,000 years ago there was no  industry, no cars, no nothing. Nobody was burning fossil fuels and the carbon dioxide was just as high as it is now. So, how can you blame it on the fossil fuels?"
      "Hmm, well actually I saw this movie..."

Monday, January 18, 2016

Sugggestions for Combating the Jihad

1. Get out of the Middle East,
   "Allah! We have spilled much blood for you today. That Madonna harlot cannot be allowed to defame and desecrate the holy planet which you have given us."
   "Who? Madonna who?"
        Does anyone besides an occasional ex-president really believe that people want to kill us because of 'our way of life,' our music, because we have too much freedom or even  because we let girls go to school and women drive? Maybe the terrorists who drive to work every day think like that, especially the ones who take the Van Wyck.
        For the rest though, terrorism is a weapon, not a punishment. It was that way for the IRA, the Irgun, the Tamil Tigers and all the rest and now it's the turn of the Jihadis,
        "Get out of our holy places. Stop propping up our dictators and interfering in our politics and crazy religious conflicts that make no sense to anyone, not even to us, and we'll leave you alone."
        And forget that Israel business already. If the rest of the Arab world really cared about what happened to the Palestinians, would they let them live like dogs in those camps while they give away Rolls Royces as gifts?
2. Defund, defund, defund... No, not Planned Parenthood.
        The drug trade is a traditional source of funds for many terrorist groups because it's so profitable. Talk of complete legalization always falls on deaf ears but suppose we were to 'temporarily suspend' all narcotic laws except as they applied to minors, maybe for a year or two. What would happen?
         Well, first of all, prices of illegal drugs would fall thru the floor. (Ask your doctor or pharmacist what legal narcotics cost.)
        "Omar, we are here for the bombs, the guns. Look at all that I bring you."
        "What is this, Mohamed? Heroine, cocaine, mary juana...all worthless. Bring me some Tylenol and maybe we can talk."
        And secondly, we would instantly have thousands, tens of thousands of unemployed narcotic agents, men and women who are trained in the use of firearms, surveillance, and who are already on the government payroll. A few weeks or months of extra training and we could double or triple the size of anti-terrorist task forces all over the country no extra cost!
        Jihadi go home!
3, Don't talk stupid.
        If you are running for office, don't just spew out whatever dopey thing comes to mind because you think it will get you votes. People in other countries will hear you and not realize that this is a tradition here and may take you seriously and, worse still, may think we're all like you.
        We can't, for instance, 'declare a no fly zone over Syria.' Syria is not our 51st state. It is an independent country and we can't dictate how they use their air space. Also, the people who are flying in this space may come from a country which has nuclear weapons. We should try, if possible, not to get into a war with them.
        Maybe we should require every candidate running for office to "Pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands and not to say anything stupid until after the next election."
        A violation probably could not bring a prison sentence, although one can always hope, but the law could be written to require that any violator be thrown off the ballot.

Monday, November 9, 2015

"Please, Sir, I want some more."

        If Charles Dickens were writing today, maybe, instead of more porridge, Oliver Twist would have known what he really needed,
        "Please, Sir, I'm cold and I'm hungry. I want some more...carbon dioxide."
        "What?! You little denier! Don't you know that carbon dioxide is a terrible pollutant and, if we don't get rid of it right away, we'll all die."
        "No, Mr. ex-Vice President, Sir. Carbon dioxide is not a pollutant. Carbon dioxide up there in the atmosphere is a greenhouse gas and keeps us all warm and toasty. And, down here, plants use carbon dioxide to make food and animals eat the plants and we eat the animals and the plants. Without carbon dioxide, we'd all starve....and freeze."
        "What are you talking about, you little twerp?"
        "Twist, sir. Oliver Twist."
        "Whatever, anyway...Ow!"
        "What is it, sir?"
        "You got me so upset, I lost a filling."
        "An inconvenient tooth?"
        Several other inconvenient teeth,
        - Carbon is not a pollutant. Protein is made up of chains of carbon atoms along with other stuff. No carbon, no protein. No protein,, And don't forget CARBON dioxide.
        - Earth was formed 4.5 billion years ago and its climate has been changing ever since. Why should we believe that now, today, this very moment, this very second, we finally got it exactly right and that any change from here would be a catastrophe? Maybe it will be better tomorrow, the day after that, or the day after that. Maybe a little warming and there won't be any more ice ages. Who knows? Maybe what we need is a little...climate change.
        - 97% of climate scientists agree that Earth is currently in a warming phase, which is entirely caused by human activity, i.e. burning fossil fuels, and that it must be stopped immediately or else life as we know it will be extinguished? Well, not exactly.
          Actually, 97% of climate scientists agree that we are in a warming phase since the Little Ice Age ended in 1850, which is normal after cold periods end, and that human activity has contributed somewhat to it. 97% of editorial writers for the New York Times believe, well, all the rest...

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

The Pessimists Went to New York

        When the Nazis came to power in Germany, things became increasingly difficult for the Jews. It began with restrictions on daily activities, then vandalism, then beatings, then, well, we all know what 'then' was.
        Anyway, up until the last possible moment, opinion was divided between the optimists, who believed that this was just a passing phase, and the pessimists, who were not so sure.
        Eventually we learned which opinion was correct and,  "The pessimists went to New York. The optimists went to Auschwitz." became part of the world's lexicon.
        And now we have Iran and the Iranian nuclear...'agreement?' And again there is a difference of opinion about what the future will bring. Only this time, it's not just the opinion of the Jews that matters, 'Death to Israel.' This time we have company, 'Death to America.'
        And if we go ahead with this, 'American diplomatic triumph', and unfreeze Iran's 150 billion dollars to use as they see fit, allow them to import ballistic missile technology in 8 years and purify uranium to the level necessary to build a bomb in 10 or 15 years, what then?
        Will the moderates in Iran gradually change the nature of the regime as the optimists believe they will? Will it really be Atoms for Peace? Hummus not Hamas? Or will the question one day be,
        "Where did everyone go when there no longer was a New York?"

Monday, September 14, 2015

Justice tomorrow. Justice yesterday. But justice today? Hmm, I'll have to get back to you on that one.

         In its recent Ferguson report, the Department of Justice noted that, despite all the large and contentious 'protests', only two formal complaints were lodged against police officers and that this was clear proof that the citizens of Ferguson had no trust that a complaint could be resolved satisfactorily.
        Suppose that instead of two complaints, there had been two hundred or two thousand?
Would that have meant that the people had great trust and confidence in the police or would it be more like,
       "See, we told you. Cops acting like...cops. Better send the president to make a speech to the U.N."
        Not a good situation when the robbers always get the benefit of the doubt and the cops always get...the doubt.

Monday, August 3, 2015

Planned Parenthood in the News...Again

        Every year or two, someone from Planned Parenthood manages to get him or herself recorded saying something so vile and stupid that it even offends an occasional Democrat.
        "You mean that if I say something here today, somebody somewhere else can hear it tomorrow or even the next day? Get away!"
        What do they put in the arugula over there? or is it just the Merlot?
        And then it's on to the usual 'Defund Planned Parenthood', 'War against whoever votes,' etc. What a waste of time. Isn't there a way to put a stop to all this nonsense without offending either the 'defund' crowd or the 'Arugulistas?'  Well, here's a suggestion,
        In 1911, Standard Oil was broken up and everything worked out okay.
        In 1985, it was the phone company's turn. And again, no problem.
        Why can't Planned Parenthood follow in their footsteps and spin off its abortion division? Maybe call it Standard Oil for good luck. Apparently abortions only make up 3% of the care they give anyway.
        They could still continue providing contraceptive services, cancer screening, treatment of sexually transmitted diseases, etc. Just stop the abortions which are illegal when they're paid for by taxpayer money anyway (except in cases of rape, incest, or where the mother's life is in danger and these would still be covered in any PP spinoff).
        How difficult would that be?
        In a big center, just put up a wall. On one side, Planned Parenthood. On the other, abortion clinic. Or maybe build a few new offices. In any case, not very complicated.
       Then, if someone calls asking for abortion info, just have to say that we don't do that anymore but we can give you the phone number of a very reliable group that does. ("Yeah, you're right, they do look a lot like us.")